Not the power to help elect a new presidentm arguably the most powerful person in the free world, or to affect the course of the next four years. Not even the power to make my voice heard. No, I’ve been given the power to totally blow off some incredibly important people.

In the last few weeks, I have hung up on both Barack Obama and John McCain. I have cussed out, loudly and at length, the heads of both state political party campaigns, and even screamed at Jill Biden when her call dragged me out of the shower. Granted these are robocalls, pre-recorded messages sent out automatically, but there’s still that wonderful feeling of power I get when I hear “Hi, this is Matt Damon, and I’d like to–” and I slam the phone down on him. Take that, Bourne! I’ve heard from sports figures and local politicians, and not one of them gets past my secretary ( i.e. me) to waste any more of my time.

Look people, I’m not going to believe anything your recording tells me over the phone anyway. You’re hoping that the sound of a famous voice lulls me into believing whatever talking point is on the table because hey, we’re friends now, right? We’re talking together on the phone!

Well, my friends know better than to call me during “Pushing Daisies,” Michelle Obama. Click!

First off, I agree the Emmys need fixing. Years from now, on my deathbed, my biggest regret will be the loss of those irreplaceable three hours of reality-show-fueled horror, especialy when I knew I could just wait an hour and watch the best 10-15 minutes of it on YouTube. But how to honor our best and brightest without boring the crap out of everybody?

I’m right behind their suggestion of getting Neil Patrick Harris to host. He has the perfect mix of self-assurance, witty ad-libs, honest respect for the craft, and sheer delight in being there that makes for a great host. But I flatly disagree that cable shows and movies should be pushed to the technical Emmys night; some of them are the best shows on TV, why banish them?

Instead, I suggest you get rid of the most annoying, time-wasting part of the show: the presenter bits. Tired and hackneyed, more of a joke themselves than actually amusing, the only presenter jokes that actually work are those which make fun of how bad presenter jokes are (a la Rickles, Stewart, Colbert, et al). Mostly they’re just painful reminders that most presenters aren’t that good in a live situation. Dump ‘em. 

Here’s my proposed Emmy night:

NPH comes out and does 5 minutes of opening act. That’s it.

Next, two acclaimed stars of a genre come out. Mary Tyler Moore and Betty White were excellent choices this year. For 2009 let’s go with, say, Alan Alda and Carol Burnette. Must be someone who likely inspired everyone in the category and someone not up for an award themselves. They give a one-minute talk on comedy shows, do a presentation (more on this in a moment) and then proceed to award all the Comedy awards, one after another: Best Writer, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Comedy Show.

No constant changes back and forth, no sitting through a new set of presenters for every frickin’ award. Just run through ‘em all. But don’t waste that precious saved time; use some of it for that presentation I mentioned. Before announcing the winners, let Alan and Carol show short clips from every show nominated in those categories. There’ll be a lot of overlap so it won’t take as long as you’d think, and will certainly take up less time than waiting for seven different sets of presenters to walk slowly out and flub their lines. And hey, we’ll get to actually see a little bit of why these shows were nominated! Imagine that! Show a quick scene from the episodes that were submitted for consideration, get us involved. Let us think, hey, maybe I should be watching that.

NPH comes out and does a retrospective of whatever great show has an anniversary that year. Gotta get some history in there, just not too much.

Then he announces two more great actors who show clips of the nominated Variety. Music, or Comedy Series.  Best Writer, Best Director, Best Individual Performance, Best Show. Move on.

Mind you, winners still get to make their speeches, but then the same presenters just step back over and award the next one without the lame, time-eating banter. Winners go off to the side and wait, in case they win another and have to come back. When the category is over, they can all bow together (and wouldn’t it be cool seeing them on the same stage?).

NPH mentions the Creative Arts Emmys, and hey, let’s see some highlights from those. Had to be a few good moments.

Two more great actors come out and show clips of the nominated Movies, Miniseries or Dramatic Specials. Best Writer, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Director, Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Show. Move on.

NPH introduces the President of the Academy, who comes out flanked by the accountants. Might as well combine two boring and apparently vital bits. The President can then anounce whomever is presenting for tonight’s achievement award.

Bring out two reality show stars/hosts/winners/whatever to award the reality show awards, whatever they are. All of them. And please, just reality shows. Game shows are not reality shows, Howie.

Let NPH run the dead star tribute. (By the way, Emmy people? We’re a very to-the-minute generation. If you can throw video together fast enough to be showing clips from the show during the show’s closing credits, you can make a dead star tribute that includes even those stars who died the morning of the Emmys. Lose the arbitrary cutoff date for video montage recognition.)

Last two beloved actors come out to present for Drama Series. Show the clips, award for Best Writer, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Director, Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Show.

NPH can thank everybody, and we’re out of here with time to spare.

Look, the Emmys people want the categories split up and lots of big name presenters because they think it helps ratings and keeps us watching. But we’re the Internet generation, we want everything on our terms. And let’s face it, no one tunes into the Emmys just to see if Sandra Oh will present this year. Let us tune in and see the awards we’re interested in without having to sit through the stuff we’re not, and you’ll get more overall viewers. Maybe I want to see the Comedy awards and then go to bed. Maybe some viewers are only interested in Drama. Why make them watch all of it?

And please dump the gimmicks. Get a host who clearly loves his job and respects the nominees. Hey, if NPH can’t do it, how about Mike Rowe? He should have won for reality host anyway, and no one handles people better.

Anyway, that’s my suggestion. Minimal presenters, clips of the nominees, and maybe next time you’d have time to run the Most Memorable Scene winners we voted for like you promised and failed to deliver.

But the kryptonite in the woodpile is this quote from Warner Bros. Pictures Group President Jeff Robinov:

Like the recent Batman sequel — which has become the highest-grossing film of the year thus far — Mr. Robinov wants his next pack of superhero movies to be bathed in the same brooding tone as “The Dark Knight.” Creatively, he sees exploring the evil side to characters as the key to unlocking some of Warner Bros.’ DC properties. “We’re going to try to go dark to the extent that the characters allow it,” he says. That goes for the company’s Superman franchise as well.

Oh, for…

This is so obvious I am amazed it needs to be said. “The Dark Knight” did not succeed because it was dark. It succeeded because of several things, all of which can be boiled down to “make a movie that is true to the character.” And Batman, done properly, is dark. Superman is not.

The superhero movies that work are the ones that speak to the fans’ love of what makes the character great. The massively successful Spider-Man movies were true to his character. Except, of course, for the third one, when he went… um, dark.  The massively successful Iron Man movie did not try to make him gritty, it made him Iron Man.

WB, pay attention to someone who knows (i.e. the moviegoer). Get a director who loves the character and will fight to protect the core of him or her. Make sure that director has no driving urge to “say something” with the character unless that something makes sense (Singer’s outcast neuroses worked great with X-Men, not so well wth Supes). Then back that director to the hilt.

Or just hire Jon Peters to do it and write off superhero movies entirely. Maybe something with a giant spider.

And, like the others. this one fails to adequately capture my thinning, graying hair, although unlike the others it did offer my usual shirt of choice. Face Your Manga does have a nicer selection of options than most of these things, although to be truly manga I really should have the option to give myself giant grinning teeth, a helmet of some sort, cybernetic implants, and an impressive set of Asian girl-grabbing tentacles. Maybe in version two.

I will not be using this everywhere, as so many are right now, mainly because I like my Save Hiatus avatar better.

Maybe I can get Adam to add some tentacles…

Here’s what I’ve become so far:

Namely, in this article by Mike Hale, wherein he analyzes the aesthetic and commercial appeal of “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog” and finds it somewhat wanting. Not compared to other Web content, of course, it’s fine there, a diamond in the muck. But when compared to television, it needs “beefing up.”

If the comparison is with television, the answer is murkier. On that scale “Dr. Horrible” falls somewhere between an amusing trifle and a dramedy that won’t make it to the 13th episode.

[...]

…you may prefer the slacker aesthetic of “Dr. Horrible” to the formulas of network television, but even in the summer doldrums, 45 minutes (after commercials) of “The Closer” or “Legally Blonde the Musical: The Search for Elle Woods” is a superior piece of craftsmanship. (And even on its own anti-mainstream terms, “Dr. Horrible” has a ways to go to catch up with “The Sarah Silverman Program.”)

Really? “The Sarah Silverman Show” is the anti-mainstream bar all shows must strive towards? Maybe if “Dr. Horrible” had more poop jokes it would have passed muster.

I have no problem with people criticizing the show on its own merits and faults - there are plenty of both. But condemning it because it’s not as good as “The Sarah Silverman Show” or “The Closer” - two more different shows you’ll be hard-pressed to find - is ridiculous. Although actual criticism may be tricky and require more than 15 minutes, I’ll have to ask.

“Prominent gay subtext”? Really?

The book doesn’t go in much about graphic tablets per se - I’m just going to have to get the first few thousand crappy drawings out of the way so I can start to learn how to use this thing right - but it does give you some excellent tips on coloring lineart in Photoshop. Tips on organizing your work, using layers and channels to best effect, painting with light, all sorts of cool tricks. And it comes with a CD full of scripts and brushes and sample artwork (Terry Moore art to play with! Woo hoo!) that will have me occupied for weeks. Except…

In the beginning of the book it stresses the importance of calibrating your monitor to get the best duplication of what you’ll see when you print. And I tried that, using their suggestions. And I hosed my monitor royally. I suspect it’s because I have the monitor settings as well as NVIDIA’s color management going, and changing one around screwed up the other. Only I couldn’t get back to where I was, even with multiple Resets, and everything I tried made it worse… Also tried Adobe’s Gamma calibrator, which added a third layer to the mess.

After an hour or so of tweaking back and forth, my computer doesn’t look quite so much like it’s on Ecstasy any more, and I can make out subdued colors, so I’m going to stop there.

All of which means: if my artwork has a glaring, garish color quality from now on, it’s, it’s… a new school of art! Yeah! The F-ed-Up-Gamma school. Very popular with the college students, and people who just close their eyes and poke at the Contrast button.

Hey, one of my con pics was chosen to illustrate Schmap’s page on the Orange County Convention Center.

Which means that people from around the world, hungry for travel information, will gaze upon my skilled photographic handiwork as they devise their itinerary and think: “Huh. A comic convention.”

Which means I can also embed it here, and I think I shall. Enjoy.

Thanks to maru1221, I (and everyone else) can now see my wife Teresa at the Bon Jovi concert at the TD BankNorth Garden arena, July 10. She keeps a camera in front of her face during her screentime, but if you look closely, starting around 1:46,  you can see her trying to focus past Richie Sambora (12 feet away from her) to get a better picture of Jon (way the hell across the stage). She does have her preferences, my Teresa. Also, that piercing fangirl scream? That’s her.